Letters Unsent- Part 1

Hi, my name is Miranda. On the outside I am simply your average wallflower. I hide in the corners, unseen to the rest of the world. Sometimes I show my true colors, but sometimes I like the secrecy. It keeps people from being able to attack me, at least on things I care about. Well, that is not necassarly true, but I like to believe it. It is one of those things that you might hear a child say "I can't see you you can't see me." And so I go around avoiding everyone, always in my own, imaginary world. It's peaceful there. In my world anything is possible. No one is cruel, no one takes pride in others pain, and most importantly, smiles fill the air. Sometimes I like to believe that I will change the world one day, turn it into this beautiful place, but I suppose first I will have to stop being a wallflower. My voice can never be heard if I don't let anyone hear it. So bear with me, dear reader, I'm letting you in, and I want you to know that you can never turn back.
I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. And by this I mean the loving life, loving yourself, no regrets type of happy. Not that artificial happiness over a single test or the smile you put on to try to convince yourself that you're not in pain. That, well, I get that a lot. But, then something always happens. It doesn't have to be a big thing, it may be something that will matter only for a minute, but I always find myself drowning in a puddle of my own tears. I suppose it wasn't always this way, but people made it so. They have always made it feel as if being me is the worst of sins. Honestly, I'm tired of it guys and its simply not fair. Who gave these people permission to go around leaving scars? The past years of my life I have never been able to truly love myself. From being too smart to right out ugly, there always seems to be something wrong with me. It's a feeling hard to explain. When I was in elementary school i was by far the least popular person. I never felt happy, except while doing school work. It let me concentrate on something other than those surrounding me. The down side- I got pushed around for my intelligence. I was called nerd, geek, and did everyone elses work. Worst of all, I let it happen. No one ever even knew. All my friends were fake friends... I swear that the only reason I got invited to parties was for the presents. Plus, they treated me like an outcast then too. Then, I grew up. Went to middle school, gratefully accepted the fresh start. I made a lot of friends and for the first time in my life met people like me. Problem: still not happy. That's what people don't get. It doesn't go away. For a year things died down. Then it happened again. They laughed in my presence. They called me ape, pretending I wouldn't be able to figure out it was me they were talking about. I used to write them letters and tear them up. When I was in my room, blasting my music, no one knew that what I was really doing was crying. Maybe no one even cared. At least thats the way it felt.
I'm a sophmore in highschool now. Things are better, but I always believed that it was impossible to get back what I lost. It still haunts me. Walking down the halls or sitting in class it always feels as if everyone is judging me with crucial eyes, even my closest friends. The voices taunt me in my head and so I love staying in the shadows. I spend a lot of time thinking about it- probably too much. I am just trying to convince myself that I am wonderful. Actually, all of it changed me in a way that has molded me into the loving person I am today... yet I'm still not truly happy. Until this summer I thought it impossible to ever be happy and I would spend the years tucked in a corner, writing books never read, letters unsent. But then I am getting ahead of myself... that is later in this story. For now I will leave you all with this.
My name is Miranda and I've decided to step out of the shadows, be happy, and change the world.

To be continued....

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